"Let's have a Viking funeral," suggested Mr. Ginley the other day.
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| Frank Bernard Dicksee, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons |
"Yes, the news is a shitshow, but I'm not sure I want to check out just yet," I replied. "And besides, how would we off ourselves, where would we get a boat and who would shoot the flaming arrow?"
We discussed the possibilities at length.
"You could smother me, then take a bunch of sleeping pills," Mr. helpfully suggested. "But, of course, we'd make sure the cat had plenty to eat. And maybe we could send a postcard to someone telling them to check in on us. The way the postal system is these days, it'll take a week or two for it to get there. By that time, it will be a done deal."
I pondered this. "Well, that could work. All I've gotta say is, if for some reason I did pull through, I'd be charged with murder, and I don't want to eat bologna sandwiches for the rest of my life."
"Look at it this way," he replied. "At least you wouldn't have to worry about where your next meal was coming from. And you don't make it outdoors much these days, anyhow."
Hmm. True enough. But that still left the question of the logistics. As to the boat, it needn't be anything fancy. A leaky rowboat would do. It wouldn't need to stay afloat all that long. But the person shooting the flaming arrow, that's another kettle of fish altogether.
He suggested a few possibilities, but I pointed out the obvious: none of them had likely ever even picked up a bow and arrow. I imagine there's an archer out there somewhere who would be willing to do it if you paid them enough, but how would one go about finding them? And could you trust them to keep quiet and follow through when the time came?
There are also the legalities to consider. We could get around some of these by being cremated ahead of time. That would solve for the law against burning a body in public. But we'd still have to find a private pond to do the deed because most public places prohibit folks from setting boats alight on the water.
As is my wont, I googled Viking funerals, and it seems we aren't the only ones who find the idea appealing. Unfortunately, the blogs I read were less than helpful. They were full of suggestions on how to have a Viking-esque funeral. Also, they pointed out that the whole concept wasn't accurate, and that Vikings didn't send off their warriors in a blaze of glory.
Just go ahead an burst my bubble, why don't you.
When the time comes, I imagine we'll employ our runner-up choice of disposing of our earthly remains: toasted and tossed.
In the meantime, we'll dream of moving to a more enlightened country where they value things like education and affordable healthcare and kindness.
P.S. If any of my readers are archers and you'd like to make a little extra scratch, let me know.
