The other day, Mr. Ginley looked at me with the soulful look that has intensified since the beforetimes and asked, "Do you think I'm a burden to you?"
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| I wanna be her (Fortezza, aka Fortitude)* |
It was a gut punch.
"No," I replied. "You're not a burden, but your body is a real pain in the ass to both of us."
Mr. tells me I'm an angel, but I sure don't feel like one. Every day is like finals week in school and I'm missing some of the most important answers.
How many times have I been told to be careful because I could hurt my back? Guess who hurt her back?
Stroky McStrokerson (again, his moniker, lest you think I'm a total beast) has assured me I'm doing a fine job. But here I am, juggling my day job, seeing to his needs, observing his PT and OT sessions, and trying not to feel like I'm neglecting any of these while trying to squeeze out a little me time.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for sympathy here, y'all have been very supportive, and I appreciate that more than I can say. I would have been hard pressed to get through this without the help of family and friends who've stepped up.
And yet...
What I need is to restore something inside myself that's gone AWOL since this whole terrible odyssey began. I was never much for organized religion, but I did have my own quirky spiritual beliefs, a sense that somehow, all would be right with the universe. But I'm having trouble recapturing that.
I think about my Mom, Grandma, and the other caregivers I've known. I'm sure they had moments when they questioned their own beliefs, but they seemed so together. Maybe it was just a brave face they wore around others. Or maybe they truly did have some measure of faith that let them accept, keep calm, and carry on.
On the bright side, there is progress with Mr. Ginley. He's slowly regaining the movement of his left side, and he's getting some amazing instruction from the PT and OT folks, who are impressed with his desire to get better.
I think my job is to stay laser focused on this, that there's much hope for recovery.
Faith and hope. Virtues.
Me being me, I just had to look up the seven virtues. Turns out, there are several sets of virtues, but the Christian ones are:
- Faith
- Hope
- Love/Charity
- Prudence
- Justice
- Fortitude
- Temperance
Well, at least I'm not drinking every night. That's something, right?
P.S. Where's "patience" on this list? How many times did Mom say it was a virtue?
*Photo attribution: Sandro Botticelli, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
