Not to be Forgotten

My Dad's Mother

My Dad's Father

I like to read obituaries. It's a weird, quirky thing, but it makes me feel connected to the world. Sometimes I read one and think, "Wow, I wish I had known him/her." The best ones aren't those that read like a laundry list of accomplishments. My favorites are the ones that give a feeling for what the person was really like. When they say things like, "My Dad spent time with us, he loved us, and he did the best he could in this life. And we will miss him every day." Or, "My Mom taught us to love nature, to be kind and patient. And that a sense of humor can heal."

My siblings let me write my Mom's obituary. I was very nervous about getting it right. I've thought since then that there were things I didn't add that should have been there. Her favorite phrase, "We'll see," which came in response to any question we asked that she didn't want to say "no" to. I use this same tactic, to the point where my husband and son say, "'We'll see' means 'no!'" There are so many other things, that I think I'll gather and recount on another day. Not today.

Today I wonder about my legacy. If I turned toes up today, what would people  say about me? I think this is something a lot of us ponder. Somehow, I don't think I'll leave much of a footprint behind. Maybe that means I have to do more. Get involved more. Not save the world, exactly, just do more to help some of the folks in my nearby world.

I think a lot, too, about my ancestors. We've done a lot of genealogical research. We've turned up dates and places and basic facts about them. This was helpful, but not really enlightening. What did illuminate things was discovering local newspapers online that had articles about them. I found out about my grandparents' drug store. I found an ad in a paper from 1936 that peddled ice cream, citing it as a healthful food. I found a few instances where the store had been robbed. In one case, my grandmother had been tied up in the back room, and my aunt found her. I polled my siblings -- no one had ever heard that story before! And, sadly, my Dad is no longer around to ask about it. But the point is, in reading these breadcrumbs, I was able to get a little clearer picture of their lives. Just a glimmer. My grandfather passed away before I was born, and I was 11 when my grandmother died. She'd been in a nursing home for a few years, so my memories of her are hazy. I so wish I could talk to her now, adult to adult. On my mom's side, we were fortunate that my grandmother, my mom's step-mother, was 20 years younger than my grandfather. She was able to supply us with stories of my grandfather and that side of the family, as well as her own history. She was divorced at 16 (after her husband came at her with a butcher knife -- my grandma didn't take that crap from anybody!) She was an encyclopedia of the people and events that shaped the family. I talked about recording her stories, but I never did. Then her memory began to go, and it was too late.

For most of us, stories live in memory, and unless you have someone to share those memories with, the people who have gone before fade away, too.  I am infinitely sad when I go to a second hand store or a rummage sale and I see a family photo album. They lived, they shared the world with us, and they passed on. And all that's left is a photo album that no one wanted. What were the stories of their lives? Their joys, their sorrows? They are lost to time and lack of interest (or perhaps lack of descendants).

How do I want to be remembered? Maybe if I ask myself that question every day, it will change the way I approach my job, my home life, my relationships with my brothers and sisters.

When we did my Mom's obituary, we didn't include a photo. I was surprised that my sister felt very strongly that obituary photos should reflect what the person looked like at the end. She saw using an old photo as a sort of duplicity, as if they were in denial about how old they looked at the end. But I  see it differently. I think people want to be remembered the way they were at their peak. When their life was ahead of them and full of possibilities, not as they looked back and wondered what they missed or what could have been. Hmmm.

Enough rambling for now. Time to gear up for the day ahead. Gird my loins and head out into the snowy world. Will I totally change my outlook, make a big difference in someone's life and find the true meaning of life, the universe and everything?

We'll see!