A Public Apology

Featured in yesterday's newspaper was a story about an 85-year-old man whose house has been pelted with eggs for the past year.

They look so innocent.

The attacks happen after 10:00 at night, and police believe the perpetrator lives a block or two away. So far, no arrests. Everyone is stumped.

The first thing that occurred to me was: How angry would someone have to be to figure the trajectory, build a launcher and invest in all of those eggs. Police are so stumped, they even had the eggs analyzed to see where they came from. Still, no arrests have been made.

So, what did the octogenarian do to incur such wrath? Or was it the 49-year-old daughter or her 51-year-old brother who incited the heinous revenge?

Thinking about the awfulness of this attack made me wonder if there is anything I have done that would incite someone to take measures against me. If I did, I apologize here and now. Going one step further, I would like to call out as many transgressions as possible. In this season of Lent, the timing seems appropriate.

When all the trouble started.

To my husband: For falling asleep on the couch every week night after dinner.

My son: For taking those embarrassing photos of you as a small child.

My siblings. Gary: yes, I was the one who took your 45's from the attic and played them over and over again.  (I still have them if you want them back.) John, sorry for hiding in your closet and jumping out and scaring the bejesus out of you that one time. Diane: for pestering you as only a youngest sister can. Denise: for everything, including but not limited to, racing your doll's stroller up and down the driveway until the wheels fell off. Paul: For pushing you down when no one was looking. And all that other stuff I did to scar you for life. Sorry.

To my coworkers: For being whatever the female equivalent of a prick is. I could say it was because I just wanted the job to be done right. But I'm pretty sure it's also my inability to smile and use euphemisms when I really want to rant.

To my neighbors: For appearing on my porch in my pajamas every morning (or, at least, the mornings when we have a newspaper on our porch).

To random strangers: I'm sorry I flipped you off, even though you drive like an...Oops. I digress.

I hope this covers everyone. If you don't see yourself here, I apologize. For everything.

Except for the time in high school when I showed up at Rick Chmara's house with Peggy on New Year's Eve and he was too embarrassed to get out of bed.

That was just fun.