Zipping Along

Please allow me to again take to the typewriter to replace this column’s usual author.  She is once again away for the weekend with her sisters.  It now appears to me that the number of sisters she has is more than I recall.  And I do remember their names. But they now seem to be coming out of the proverbial woodwork! Sweet Lord of the Dance just how many sisters does she have? I thought she only has two but she gallivants around the state of Ohio on, what appears to me now, to be at somewhat regular intervals.

When she informed me that she was going to some distant place in the wilderness of Ohio to “Zip Line,” she immediately told me to “zip your big mouth shut” before I could even get my usual snide comments out of my mouth. But as she is not here to stop me, I can at least confide in you, the ever-loyal reader.  The only things that I am aware of that have a “Zip” in them are clothing, food storage bags and codes.

I am reliably informed by My Lovely Bride that people pay good, hard earned cash to slide down a “Zip Line” in the wilderness. She referred to it as “an adventure.” Not me, Brother.  I like my relaxation to be non-life threatening!

When we parted yesterday morning, I advised her not to be the first down said “Zip Line.” She looked at me with a weird look in her eyes.  I said that this may be part of some elaborate murder plot.  It may be that, long ago she may have broken or scratched one of her sister’s records.  This may be some long overdue revenge.

I just noticed that odd look in your eyes and the way you just shook your head.

Perhaps, you do not know what a “Record” is?  Dear Reader, this is your lucky day!  I remember “Records.”  I still have more than a few.  And a lot of cassette tapes, CD’s and even an 8-Track.  A “Record” was a very slim disc with tiny grooves made of Vinyl.  It was designed to play on a “Record Player.”  When one placed a “Record” on a “Record Player” and placed the “Needle” (because it looked like a needle) on the “Record," music came out of the “Record Player.”

Moving on…

But My Lovely Bride does not trust me.  This time, I was demoted!  She left Maggie, our cat in charge!  She also left me “A lot of food.”  But none of them from the four basic and approved food groups.  No potato chips.  No chocolate.  No Vanilla Coca-Cola.  But she did leave two single-serve sized packs of Oreo cookies.  A total of four cookies.  Four!  Thank the Good Lord I found a Pepsi in the back of the refrigerator!  But she did not lie; she left a lot of “Food.”  A container of Cole Slaw and a container of Tuna Pasta Salad.  And a lot of fruit: oranges, lemons, grapes and watermelon.  Now how can a man stay alive for two whole, American days?  It could go either way…

Fruit.  Fruit.  I have been to the grocery store with My Lovely Bride in the past.  I have observed people shop for provisions.  They always look at the fruit.  And they want to buy some of it.  But…  It’s a lot more fun to buy and eat that Hot Dog.  Or that juicy, delicious steak.

I ask you, gentle reader have you ever attended what we call “A party?”  I think you have done such a thing as this.  I have, in the past.  Think back, did you partake of some refreshments of a non-liquid variety?  I know you have.  I have.  Be honest here, what did you eat first?  Did you have yourself a nice big bowl of potato chips?  Or maybe the pretzels?  Or the home-made chocolate chip cookies?  Raise your hand if you ate from the fruit plate first.  I don’t see any raised hands.  Mine isn’t.  I contend that you only eat from the fruit plate first if you are trying to convince your significant other you are being good.  But the moment her back is turned, get out of the way…those potato chips have an appointment in my tummy!  Or if said goodies are all gone and you have to eat anything.  Then the red peppers and the celery are just fine.  But that is why there is only one fruit plate and many, many bags of potato chips and pretzels at the party!  The last party I attended, some angel brought Maple-Glazed Bacon. But in some stupid, insane attempt at “being a good boy,” I had some of the fruit plate first.  When I went back, I was broken-hearted to find the Bacon was all gone…

Never again!

To one and all of the dear readers out there in the world, have a wonderful weekend…

To My Lovely Bride, have a great time with your sisters, however many of them there are.  Come back to me safe and sound…I have a feeling I may be feeling just a bit peckish…