Inside Out

I sat with my arms folded, trying to keep a neutral expression, but I suspected I would still come across as a scowler.

Thus has it always been for me and probably always will be. I don't do well in crowds or, as in yesterday's case, a leadership seminar.

The large room was populated with lots of round circular tables that had writing materials in the center. I sat as far back in the room as I could and did as instructed, writing my name with a bright pink highlighter and placing it in front of me. I knew the person next to me, which helped a little. But I could not shake the feeling that, above all, I wished I could borrow Harry Potter's invisibility cloak.

When I was young, my mother told me I was just shy, and that I would grow out of it. She was never at a loss for the right thing to say, unlike me who is forever planting foot inside mouth.

"Go say hello to (whoever it was)," my mother would say, exasperated.  I would hang my head or look up at the sky or anywhere, mortified at my own inability to socialize.

In school, I would avoid eye contact with the teacher, keeping my hand firmly planted on my desk to avoid being called on, even though I generally knew the correct answer. Parent-teacher conferences wrapped up with, "I know she knows the answer, but she just won't participate in class."

And parties, unless everyone there is known to me, continue to be torture. Forever the wallflower.

As a result of my social ineptitude, I'm generally labeled as an antisocial curmudgeon. Having reached that age, it now suits me pretty well.

And yet...

There is this whole part of me, deep down, that is the eternal optimist. I believe most people have good in them. I believe we can all get along if we put aside the things we don't agree on. I love sunshine and rainbows and unicorns and all that shit.

And in that seminar yesterday, amidst all the random quotes and the usual rah rah, I found some nuggets that I took back to my desk with me to pull out and mull over. I believe there's a little something in just about anything that you can make something of.

And I guess if that statement only makes sense to me, that's okay, too.