Feline Fire Bugs

South Korea confirmed what most of us already knew: Cats can be assholes.

"Who, me?"

In a recent article by Jennifer Hassan for the Washington Post, it was revealed that South Korean officials warned citizens that cats had started 107 house fires over the past three years. Most of these conflagrations began when mischievous felines figured out how the knobs work on electric stoves.

Of course, never the country to be outdone, the United States reported that nearly 1,000 home fires each year are started by "pets." You're probably thinking, "Pets can be a lot of different animals. Maybe it's Fido and not Fluffy who got the fire started."

You can try to justify it all you want, but you know in your heart of hearts that in the majority of those 1,000 home fires, the culprit was a cat. 

Now, don't get me wrong, when it comes to furry four-legged critters, I'm solidly in the cat camp. However, I've witnessed cats around candles, and I can attest to the fact that they can't be trusted. In my mind's eye, I can envision my too-curious cat catching fire and flying around the house spreading the blaze from room to room as she frantically tries to douse the flames.

That's why I keep the bathroom door firmly closed when I take a candlelit bath.

So how do authorities suggest we keep our homes from igniting at the hands of our "pets?"

We are told to use gates and crates to prevent shenanigans in our absence. Put child-proof knobs on our stoves. And refrain from burning candles in the same room as our critters.

By way of throwing cat owners a bone, the article told the story of a hero cat who saved its family by biting the owner repeatedly until he woke up and got everyone to safety. I'm thinking the cat was probably looking out for its own skin, quite honestly. I suspect if there'd been a pet door, the family would have been toast.

The author also tried to deflect some of the blame by citing two stories from Essex, England about non-cats who'd ignited fires. The first was a tortoise who knocked a heat lamp onto its bedding. No one was hurt, and the turtle, whom rescuers described as "angry" looking, survived the ordeal. In the second instance, a dog turned on a microwave that had bread stored in it. Following which, officials were obliged to tell people not to leave shit in their microwaves.

While these two stories may illustrate there are other culprits involved, I'm pretty sure cats are to blame for most household mayhem. This point was hammered home yesterday as I tried to work and Maggie started playing with the electrical cords in my office. 

She was banished unceremoniously, and I refused to let her in. Until she'd scratched at the door for 10 minutes, and I couldn't take it anymore and let her back in. That got her motor running, and she started climbing all over me, like "I'm cute and you have to love me and you're a stupid human and you'll forgive me." Blah blah blah. Satisfied that she'd made amends, she curled up in her chair, which is next to mine, and slept the rest of the day.

Sure, it worked. I forgave her. 

That's why cats as a species have survived for so long.

Feline wiles.

P.S. Kudos to writer Jennifer Hassan, who managed to work the pun "purrpetrators" into her article. Well played, my friend.